Saving Private Sufiah

So I went downstairs today and saw a copy of yesterday’s Malay Mail: SUFIAH BARES ALL. The article was about how the young hotshot maths genius Sufiah Yusof went from gaining admitance into Oxford University aged thirteen to now becoming a high-paid escort. To read the full story, you can click here, here and here.

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Man-ginas, He-Bitches, etc.

So I was going through random sites using StumbleUpon when I landed on a site with a bunch of interesting facts about the Human World. Interesting facts about famous people, mad kings, religion and cultures. For example, did you know that Elizabeth I put a tax on men’s beards? Or that Iceland is the worlds oldest working democracy? Interesting stuff. Then I scrolled down and found this:

Klang Valley Porn Queen Nabbed

Selangor police have detained Klang Valley’s ‘Porn Queen’ — believed to have been the sole woman behind the distribution of pornographic DVDs.


The 30-year-old single woman headed a syndicate dubbed ‘Lady Boss Gang’, which distributed pirated DVDs of Hollywood and porn movies.

Her syndicate, which had been in operation for the past year, used apartment units as distribution centres for the DVDs to avoid police detection.

Syndicate members also supplied porn DVDs to traders operating stalls outside shops and night markets.

The Malay Mail believes that this is the first time that police have busted a DVD syndicate led by a woman.

Taken from the Malay Mail.

Malaysia Loves It Up The Ass

No, not the country ‘Malaysia’ (although some would debate this). I’m talking about the porn star ‘Malaysia’.

That’s right. Porn star. There’s a porn star called ‘Malaysia’.

some of you may already know about this, but this sure was news to me. There I was, searching through IMDB for anything to do with Malaysia when I find Jayna Oso, a.k.a.Malaysia.

Born in Brunei in 1981 (she’s younger than me by a year!) and brought up in Hawaii, Malaysia has been busy since 2003. Besides her real name and Malaysia, she’s sometimes credited as Jeana or Malasah.

You may remember her from many imaginatively titled smut movies such as:

- Biggest Black Girth On Earth 4
- One In The Pink & One In The Stink
- Grand Theft Anal 2
- Cum Dumpsters 3
- Sophia Has A Negro Problem Too
- Weapons of Ass Destruction 3
- Straight to the Sphincter
- Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
- I Cream On Genie
- Ass Good Ass It Gets
- Slant Eye For The Straight Guy

I wish I was making these names up, but they’re all true. I think I’ll use these titles in my movie. After all, my script is filled with nods to comic fans and movie fans. Why not give a shout out to smut fans? The fact that it’s a movie about Malaysia and all the porn titles mentioned in the movie all feature an actress called Malaysia fits nicely, methinks.

Nice.

Cocksmoking Bribery

So last Friday a colleague of mine went out for drinks with other colleagues. For blogging’s sake, we’ll call her ‘Maria’.

When one of the colleagues left early he called back and warned the others at the bar that one of the roads in KL had a roadblock. Maria, tipsy as she was, completely forgot and made her way down that same road later that night.

The cops pulled her over.

One quick check on a breathalyser test and the cops had proof that she was driving under the influence. One of the cops stepped into the car. The cop did the usual schtick, telling her what the penalty was, buying time until Maria would ask the question.

Maria knew what question he was waiting for. Finally she asked,

“Sir, is there any way we can work this out?”

The cop looked around, made sure they were in a dark area and asked her in not so many words to,

“Suck my dick.”

I’m serious.

Now, Maria’s quite a cute looking little hottie and let’s face facts, the cops here are about as law abiding as the citizens, but this is genuinely fucked up. And if you think about it, if a cop would even ask that question then wouldn’t that imply that he’s had his dick sucked many times before by young females slightly tipsy clubbers on their way home from Zouk trying to get out of an overnight stay in jail?

‘Bad Lieutenant’, anyone?

And have you ever seen a Malay cop? They’re not exactly hunks-a-burning-love. Let’s put it this way: they’re obviously eating well and the term ‘handlebars’ often springs to mind. Immediately followed by ‘grease’.

Maria was shocked as shit. She kept saying no, the cop kept asking her to. She kept refusing so the cop changed tactics.

“How about a kiss, then?”

Maria said no. And no and no. Out of curiosity, she asked for how long.

“20 seconds.”

“Eww…! Why does it have to be so long?!”

“Because I want our tongues to spend some time together in each others mouths.”

“EWWWWW!!!”

Finally, he accepted cash.

I am intensely curious as to how many young females have sucked a cops dick to get out of trouble…

The Force May Be Strong With This One…

…depending on how chilly it is.

“Darth Vader Shows His Dark Side

Police in Malaysia are hunting a man who flashes women while wearing a Darth Vader costume.

The Star Wars flasher exposed himself to women factory workers in two industrial areas of Bandar Baru Nilai.

Priscilla, 33, a factory supervisor, said the man got out of his car, strutted about menacingly in his Darth Vader suit before flashing to 15 women workers standing at a bus stop at 7am.

“At first, I thought he was a die-hard Star Wars fan trying to impress us with his costume. But we were shocked when he showed us his private parts,” she told Malaysia’s Star newspaper.”

Rest of the article can be found at Ananova. Courtesy of Man Method and Shy.

Literature

Certain languages work well for certain things, the English language being one that has been adapted, evolved and experimented on the most to deliver a bevy of Anglo-Saxon delights.

The Malay language is quite poetic, but of late has been reduced to colloquialisms that almost cheapen the original language. Our words are less polite and lack the culturedness of the past. And in the case of words pertaining to sex, downright harsh as hell and laughable to boot.

So it is with much amusement I present to you Cerita Seribogel. Here is an example from it’s pages, a story entitled Ana yang gila seks (which I’ve split into actual paragraphs and stuff as the writer obviously didn’t bother to do):

“bila dia habih mandi keluar bilik air berkemban ngan towel….perghhh ngan titik titik air kat atas tetek dia ..rambut basah…bau wangi …tak tahan pak cik …terus aku grab dia buh cemolot dengan rakusnya…

awek ni aku ingat dah biasa la buat projek …dia tak tolak pun..melawan tarik dan sedut lagi ada…aku bukak towel..bogel la dia…pas tu aku ramas tetek dia tegang macam getah buku wa cakap lu…

pas tu dia start to be aggresive…dia bukak baju aku seluar aku dan underwear aku …terus dia melutut depan aku…dan pas tu dia buh serlom (blow job)….asyikkkkk….ngan telo telo dia sapu..aku pun mula la belagak macam pelakun blue…aku hentak batang aku terus masuk penuh dalam mulut dia…termuntah air liur awek tu…aku apa peduli lantak lah after all bukan awek steady pun dalam kepala pikir nak one night stand aje…

pas tu aku tolak dia atas lantai…sku ksngksng ksn kski dis luas luas..aku pulak menservis dia ..aku jilat kelentit dia..wangi cipap dia sebab baru mandi kalau tak…tak kuasa aku nak jilat aku jolok jari hantu dalam lobang dia pas tu tambah jari telunjuk…berair-air cipap awek tu..

pas tu aku tengok bontot dia dah terangkat angkat..tangan tak tentu arah…mulut bising orghh arghhh orghh arghh…tau tau dia tarik rammbut aku..kaki dia kejang….climaxs dah awek tu rupanya..baru dia tau penangan lidah aku…aku carry on jilat lagi..”

Now, the sheer humor in that will probably appeal to Malay’s more than you English speaking people, so I’ll try and translate it (badly):

“when she finished bathing she came out in just a towel….whoah with drips of water on her tits..wet hair..nice smell… uncle cannot stand anymore …straight away I grabbed her (don’t know that last bit)…

i think this chick must be used to booty calls …she didn’t push..fighting my pull and sucking more…I opened her towel..she naked..then I grabbed her tits erect like book rubber I’m telling you…

then she started getting aggresive…she opened my shirt and pants and underwear …straight away knelt infront of me…then she gave me a blowjob….hellzyeah….she even licked my eggs..so I started acting like a porn star…a shoved my stick straight down her mouth…the chick vomited spit…what do I care she ain’t my girlfriend and i was thinking it’s just a one night stand…

then I pushed her to the floor…(no idea what these words are)..I then serviced her ..I licked her clit..her cunt smelt fresh coz she just bathed…when i got tired i stuck my ghost finger into her hole plus my (dunno) finger…her pussy was oozing..

then I saw her but go up in the air..hands going everywhere…mouth noisy orghh arghhh orghh arghh… know-know she pulled my hair..her legs (dunno, but I think it’s vibrate)….she climaxed after all..now she knows the power of my tongue…I carried on licking..”

Not exactly erotic fiction, is it? More lick the ramblings of a perverted village monkey. Click here to find other wacky stories that will not titilate you at all and make you wonder how the Malay race even began procreating in the first place.

White Love

So I’m surfing around the net, reading random blogs and come across Sarong Party Girl. Any lady referring to herself as a Sarong Party Girl must be either taking the piss or proud of the fact.

“Sarong Party Girl (SPG) - A pejorative term describing local girls who will only go out with Caucasians. The stereotypical “SPG”, as she is usually abbreviated, is extremely tan, and skimpily-dressed.” Taken from TalkingCock.com.

Somewhere on her site was an article on why SPG’s go for white ex-pats. I read on and, in a nutshell, the reasons are:

(a) They’re loaded (nothing like an exchange rate that works in your favour).
(b) They’re better in bed.

And I thought it was just a stereotype that chicks go for money and big dicks.

Apparently, according to this chick, Chinese dick is tiny dick and Indian dick suffers from erectile dysfunction. She didn’t seem to mention Malay dick at all, but there aren’t as many of us down in Singapore. Most Singaporean men also apparently don’t know how to turn a girl on and live with their parents/girlfriend/wife.

However, I reckon there’s more to it than just a huge wad of cash and, well, a huge wad.

I believe very much that you can subconsciously tell quite a bit about a person by their body language. The overall vibe a person gives off. Caucasian ex-pats and especially the current wave of African’s in Malaysia give off a certain vibe of confidence. It might be brash, it might be too forward, it might even be considered downright rude, but it’s a big difference.

You can sense the insecurity inherent in many an Asian in both Malaysia and Singapore. You can tell, just by looking at them, that if they were in the same room as Kobe Tai they’d cum in their pants and smile sheepishly.

Those that don’t give off that insecure vibe come across just as confident as the foreigners.

Or look like rapists.

As much as it pisses me off at times, I can understand why the local punnany swarm Caucasian cock, and I really don’t think it’s just size and bling. Not many Malaysians & Singaporeans are comfortable enough with their own sexuality or plain not comfortable with who they are. And girls have that heightened sixth sense, that womans intuition that men can only dream of attaining after years of training in the Himalayas. They can sense it. Hell, they can smell it.

Although that’s not to say that a lot of the local women her and across the bridge are also fickle and often unwilling to give the local delicacy a chance. After all, just look at the Malaysian banana (pisang emas): smaller than the African banana, sure, but sweet like honey, bursting with flavour.

Local women, take note: don’t understimate the potency of pisang emas.